Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
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Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
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You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.