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he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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