Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
