Cold hands, warm shart.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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