So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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