How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
