If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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