it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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