I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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