I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
