I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
