my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
