he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
