We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
