Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
