Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
