You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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