It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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