Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
