Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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