Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize