i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
