you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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