I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
