Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
