Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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