I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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