she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
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Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
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If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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