that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
