Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
