First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
