I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
