Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
