What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
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I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
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Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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