I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
