Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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