That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
