Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
