Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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