I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
