So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I need a hoe opinion
go on
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
