I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
