somebody snuck up and got me drunk
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Randomize
