not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
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Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
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I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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