He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
