I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
