Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
