i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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