peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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