After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
