We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
