every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
