FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Ladies don't puke and tell
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
