I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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