Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Dick very happy bro
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
