Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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