No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize