You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
